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I’m not sure of you;

I’ve tried to tell you,  without saying the words. I want to trust you,  you don’t know how desperately….but you’ve a dark, cold side I don’t possess,  despite our lives running in parallel.

So today, after you’d gone back to bed,  I did a pregnancy test, alone.  Praying for it to be negative, running through my head what might be if it was positive. Terrified either way….

And the relief when there was no result in the test box. The tears of relief that I’d not have to care for a newborn in my poor state of health, those of guilt for feeling those selfish emotions,  some of sorrow,  for the child that never was, or will be…but what surprised me the most were the tears of anger, that I’d been put in this position,  left to this emotion storm, alone.

And I wondered, if I was alone in this, supposedly shared worry, what was the point of being wed at all? And would we last, leading such divergent lives already

And do I want to support someone, physically,  financially and emotionally,  who doesn’t give the same in return?

Have I done the right thing for my children and myself?